I got admitted to SMU ISM (Information Systems Management). Yeah, I went for the interview and it was horrible to me but I kind of got in unexpectedly.. I was really shocked and happy that I managed to make it although this isn't something that I really want but yeah, it was afterall a good news to me.

But you know.. this isn't a really good news to me when I thought deep about it. There are so many worries inside my head, so many questions popping here and there that are literally stressing me so much. I thought of the school fees, money to get a new laptop, doubting myself if I'm able to study smoothly for 4 years because university is really not easy, I understand that its so different from poly. Its so much harder to deal with and if i don't have the passion then it wouldn't be worth it because it'll get really tough for me in that 4 years. 

I really have no idea what to do. It makes me sad thinking about it.. My life is determined by my actions and I know I hold on to my own choices. Whatever I decide, there will be consequences. If I decide to study, not only will it be hard for me, its gonna be hard for my family also. Things are not as easy as it seems, school fees, expenses etc. Bank loans? I thought of it but 4 years.. my mum have to wait and suffer with me for 4 years and after I start working, there's a big debt for me to pay up. How am I suppose to start saving for myself and help out in the family?

Why do I want to torment myself and live life in this way? Maybe I should just heed the advice and start working. If I start working, all my worries will be gone. I guess I'll be happier because there's no money issues that I have to worry. I do not have to always bring packed foods to work, do not need to worry of having no money the next day even if I just buy a packet of sweet. I can live life easily and happily. I can go travel, I can start saving up for myself, I can give money for my mum, most of all, I will not have to cry over being penniless again because honestly, it is really really really hard on me. I have no rights to complain because there are people out there who are much more unfortunate than me but yeah.. its just yeah, very tough for me if you actually know how much efforts I put into saving money. But I don't know, a part of me kind of just want to study..

Maybe all I want is to prove to people who ever looked down on me especially my paternal side of family that I am able to slowly climb my way up to a local uni, even better than your children. Maybe all I want is to just do my mum proud.. but well i really don't know. Its like getting into one uni is so hard for me, maybe to many people, its nothing, its just a degree afterall but hey, to me, its not easy and its something that really make me gain a little confidence in myself.. 

I'm still waiting from news from NUS. I might not be accepting SMU because its too tough for me to handle. And afterall ,its not something that I want to take and yeah, 4 years to study something that you're unsure if you like it is really not easy. I don't want to torture myself into such misery. I hold on to my own choices. 

I went to pray with my mum today and I draw a lot, its a bad lot but it really makes sense to me. The lot that my mum draw was quite a bad one too but yeah its true relating to our situation. 

" Trying to put out fire by means of wood. The fire burns even bigger. Do not worry about fortune, lest worst will come. "

" Be quiet and calm and all will be well. "

" No matter how careful are your precautions. Someday you will inevitably get into trouble. Once you take the wrong decision, Remorse will torture you forever. "

Its up to you to believe in these kind of stuffs. But to me, I believe in it. 

Well.. I need some time to really go and think through. Honestly, I can't help it, really can't help it but to be envious of people who are born with a silver spoon. They have the luxury to study peacefully without any worries. But yeah, all these things can't be compared and ya, contented enough already.