Five days. My grandma funeral ended in five days. Today was the last day and up, it was also the cremation day.
The past few days have really been a complete whirlwind of emotions. I've been feeling extremely tired.. Always reaching home at 2am plus in the morning and wake up at 6 or 7 plus in the morning either for exams or for the wake. Moreover, I need to study for my exams so its like I only got 2 to 3 hours of sleep.. Well, I can predict my results already. Won't be able to do well this time due to the lack of sleep and time.. GPA sure drop but gahhh, I don't even have the mood to care about all these.
I don't know how to say leh.. its like when I grow older, whenever there is these kind of stuffs (Funerals), I'll never be ever to forget. I can remember everything much more vividly now and the feelings I felt now are much more stronger. #Badmemories. I can't forget how my aunties/uncles esp mummy cried. I myself can't even take it and when I saw how my mum cried, honestly I am so scared.. Its like I've never ever saw my mummy in this way and the image that my mummy gives me is that she's such a strong lady. But today, when she broke down.. I don't know what to do.. All I can do is to be by her side and console her..
When we are going through the procedure of sending my grandma off, I felt really ... cause its like I know this is the last time I'll be seeing her and everything is like happening way too fast. I didn't even felt this much when my grandpa passed away. Its like I just bought her wanton noodles the last 2 weeks and she just had her 83 birthday celebration the week before and now.. here I am attending her funeral. Why??? Moreover, she stayed with us for the past 2 years and yes you know what, it's exactly 2 years! She came to my house at 11 Aug 2010 and she passed away at 11 Aug 2012.. I really don't know how should I convey my feelings in this space. The feelings is just so strong and saddening.. I can't control my emotions too, all I know was crying makes me feel better..
During the cremation, where we need to ya you know, stand at the viewing room and send her off for cremation. Everyone's emotions burst. I seen it before but today's was really bad. I see how my aunties/uncles/mummy cried so hard, its like although they always scold my grandma for some reasons but I guess, afterall Mother is Mother. You can't beat off this inevitable feeling. The feeling is really really no good.. I see how my cousins all cried and me myself can't control my tears also... Its like I feel myself not being able to breath properly you know, that feeling where you feel that everything's inside and you just can't in a way relieve it all out. And when you imagine her being cremate, that's when you feel really pain.. So painful.
And now I'm back home, nap for awhile and now I'm here with my train of thoughts. All the scenes are really unforgettable, guess I would never ever forget today. Well and I feel that no matter what, regrets will always be there.. Why didn't I treat her better? Why did I hate her sometimes? Why did I don't even respect her sometimes? Humans being humans, guess we'll always take things for granted even though we know we shouldn't. Only when the person is gone, the mixed feelings and the regrets will definitely be there.
My one and only grandma is left.. I got no more grandmas/grandpas anymore. Guess family gathering will be lesser cause it's so obvious that everyone's will be living their own lives. But I sincerely hope there will still be family gatherings..
OK, I need to learn to let go and move on. I sincerely hope my Grandma is good in the other world and hopefully everyone will be better tomorrow. The sun will rise tomorrow.
Till then.. A day that I will never forget.
” When you’re around someone so much for so long, they become a part of you and when they go away, you don’t know who you are without them. “
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